how come this is what it takes

why after demolishing bottle after bottle
do i figure out what the hell is right for me.

fucked it up, realized it's not the end of the world.
talked to my dad, talked to my brother.
drained my bank account.

in bed, my body cannot comprehend the mess it's in.
just need hours of rest, but i am on the right track.

i love you. don't ever question that.
cliche but we're allowed those moments.
i would shout it out in my dying breath.
you grew nerves, muscle and breath in me.
and we formed this thing i can't give words to.
a moment in your arms is warmer than the sun,
a second of your time is worth the world, 
a thought in your brain is all i can think of..
and i'm ready for anything that comes next

.

same story different day

i miss you, but i'm going to keep my distance.
i love you, but i can't stand you right now.
you love me still, but i'll play it off like i can handle being your friend.
i will always love you, did i mean the same to you?

four people. so much.

life is being thrown at me.
hoping i can handle what is to come
this summer. for i know it will
drastically change me.

bon iver. beach baby mood.

just want the sun, and serenity.
and my own little place
to call my own.
kde domov muj.

resources of my happiness

i left because you never asked me to stay.

is there a gaping hole, no.
is there a pain too unbearable, no.
will i survive, yes.

at some point in the past few weeks i realized what
it is i needed, the resources of my happiness and
the steps to reach my goals.

i'm so scared of the decisions i'm making, but i can't
just let them sit and simmer. i need to make an act.

i hear a someone down my hall yelling "please.. i'm sorry"
ten minutes later, i hear a girl crying, her heart breaking.
not caring where she cries, she's on the floor,
trying to keep from choking, and thinking.
i knew that pain, i'm not going to meet it again.

a year ago, i had it

while everyone else today is probably smoking their brains out,

i'm thinkingthinkingthinking like it's my fucking holiday.

so many new feelings the past few days. mostly on where i was

last year.

best of best friends.

broken heart.

i looked to my best friend to fix my broken heart, and now

he's not in my life. not even a little.

i chose him because he was always there, always closed up,

he wasn't there emotionally and that was good, because

i was a mess. he took me away from the mess.

i always remember the days at the beaches,

the car washes in front of his house,

which held the secrets, the strict parents, the baby pictures

i laughed at for hours and the cat i loved so much.

and then i went to this bonfire.

and i saw brian.

and i was strong.

then he found me again, drew me back in.

and i realized it's possible to love more than one person.

i loved a person who always loved me, and i loved a person

who had an unquestionable hold on my heart.

and i ended up breaking the wrong heart.

and wound up hurt all over again.

had i known. i would have been safe.

he was there, the next day. and where was brian.

gone.

aaron figured it out. and now he's gone.

sometimes i want to just reel him back into my life,

but that makes me no better than brian. right?

i miss him so much, his stupid pranks on my locker,

his red jeep, which i miss so much being in,

with my hair all messed up from lake water,

he never held my hand,

he didn't need to. he made me feel strong, and didn't 

have to break my heart to do it.

i wish he had enough emotion to understand how much i miss him.

temporary personal soulmate : seeking no one

Unwrapping not one, but two Subway sandwiches.

Big green scarf and an umbrella on one side,

Inflated and intimidating backpack on the other.

I love the comfort I find in myself.

Phone on silent, facebook momentarily banned from sight.

Once i'm done writing here this eight by four table will

be filled with pages of proper cover letter instructions

and CDs of Bach and Vivaldi.

The remainder of my weeks in this place should

go about just like this. Detached and determined.

There's a mountain in front of me, and for the 

first time I think I'm equipped for it.

It's an on and off rain, my itunes is put on classical

and my wet brown boots are tapping.

I'm happy.

brooke fraser

i feel as though this road
i call life is offering up all these signs
to stop, to turn, to go back.
and i am too blinded by the speed
to follow any other path or any sign
given to me.
i feel so out of place, like my shoes
aren't too big or small but my feet
just can't fit into shoes in general.
probably why i'm always barefoot in the sand.
i wish i could have listened to that voice in me,
that told me to stop and take a detour.
do something with your life and then
go to school. i miss my brother,
he seems to be the only stability
in my family, yet he's unbearably far away.
i always have this ache in me,
like when you forgot something and you can't
remember what.
i think in all that has happened
i truly forgot what makes me happy.
and i've grown in a way
that i've spread out in every directions.
i don't know what it is that will
make me happy again.
is it the absence of a soul friend?
someone i love unconditionally...
to see the sun light in every molecule of my being?
is it the travel, the wanderlust that makes me
so unconnected to myself..
or is it my shame in knowing i had the chance..
to do something great.
and never did a thing about it.

it's everything. it's nothing.
i'm lost on this road.

"If I find in myself
Desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude
That I, I was not made for here

If the flesh that I fight
Is at best only light and momentary,
Then of course I'll feel nude
When to where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
As I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found?
On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me,
Is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Because my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope,

He's coming"

C.S. Lewis Song - Brooke Fraser

remember when

i had such high hopes
so much anticipation
to do something great here
to become someone great here.

i'm in my old skin looking out my window in my little quilted bed. watching groups walk by.
i feel so alone, but i chose this didn't i? i chose solitude instead of going out and trying.
creating this world i never saw anyone in it for a while, and this person infected it, ran loose in my life and tore down my walls. but when i'm alone i love the time i have watching clouds and tracing concrete lines in my wall, basking in the sun without a so much on my mind. i might lose myself in my mind someday, sun tea in hand, endless novel in another. and i'm okay with it. waiting for the right people to come along, because here i don't fit.
i'm not sure why i thought i would in a tiny town of dying dreams and bridges. i want to leap off them and see where i land.

Red Dot

Straightened out my head.
Figured out some thoughts.
But I still see this path,
with winding hills and bridges
that haven't been made,
and bumpy roads that need paving.

I'm scared, so scared for my future.
But knowing what I wants makes me happier.

Today, I woke up and biked in the rain.
By the time I left class the sun was peaking out.
Mid-afternoon it's beautiful.
The clouds are moving so fast.






I never felt attractive, I don't think I can.
I look in a mirror and I see beauty,
but only in the eyes of the beholder.
Although that's all that counts, I can't
stop picking out everything I would fix.
I'm rambling on about stupid material nonsense.
But sometimes I need to let the words in my
head out. Stop thinking.
Who do I rely on.
I rely on my keyboard and a tiny red fish
mindlessly moving around and around all
day, with no progress made, no impact
on the world.
I love that little red dot. We are so alike sometimes.
Moving around day after day.
For what.
What do we do, how have we made this
world a better place.

Please Stop

What if there was no money, no currency,
no greed over status and wealth.
What if what we desired came true because
we had ambition and not a heavy wallet.
This world often depresses me, putting its
foot in the doorway of my happiness.
I cannot see the places I wish to see.
I cannot experience everything,
cannot love all people walking this world.

Not enough time, not enough money,
the world is not enough.

And I find myself happy for the moments
you dive back into my world,
talking about nothingness.
Feeling so guilty.

I just smelled the smell of a fleeting summer romance.
I am trying to wash my hands of this, but maybe it's a sign.
Maybe i'm finally losing it. I should have a long time ago.

Floorboard Strangers

my mind won't stop racing,
i don't know what i fear more...
midterms or my home.

i could wait an eternity to spend
a night in that house, and i still wouldn't be ready.

i wish i had a permanent someone.
i never had that.

i'm hiding away in this school, these walls
a barrier to everything from the city.
my dorm a safe place to collect my thoughts
that don't ever seem to quiet.

i don't want to part from him,
but i have to part from my fears.

young and my youth

you've found me at last.

love was waiting, patiently. smiling. 

it was tapping its finger mischievously,

love knew i had to wait for this.

i get to trace my fingers over freckles,

run my hands through dark brown curls,

gaze into green and gold eyes in the morning light,

i am allowed to hold on tighter,

stare longer,

breathe deeper.

i have waited so long for this.

it scares me because i swear i see myself,

poor and in bliss, unpacking our things together.

finally finding my home for my heart and soul.

summer skin

When I can exchange buttoned down shirts for bandanas.
Parkas for swimsuits.
Icicles to popsicles.
Snow flakes to beach waves.
Exams to parties.
Boredom to bonfires.
Midterms to road trips.
Bitten down nails to wind through my hair.
Failing a quiz to diving off a dock.
Stress to relaxation.
Fear to freedom.

Holding my breath
To taking a deep breath of the best months of life.

tuesday afternoon in the library. again.

i plan. 
i love to plan.
plan parties, dinners, dates, most importantly, my future.

once in a blue moon, i become incredibly productive.
today is that day.

i need a great, beautiful, rich, mature amazing Summer.
if all my plans worked out.. here's my next year..

• Move in with Olivia, she's incredibly dedicated to her work, we get along, and we study the same things.
• Ace, and i mean ACE my classes, I was close last semester, I need to do better. But I know what it's taking and I can do it.
• Learn Italian, it's beautiful, if I could even just carry on a simple conversation, I'd be happy.
• Get involved with committees in school, it looks good, and it keeps me busy.
• Find my old, beat down, characteristic apartment by Grand Ave. Then fill it with people and sun tea and antiques and maybe even a fish or ten. More on that later.
• Get my old lovecar back. The impalla. Words cannot describe my love for that car. Wind in my hair, adventures to come. Music to blare. Paychecks to waste on gas. Mmm.
• GET THE INTERSHIP(S). Even ONE would be amazing.
  - Cities 97, non paid, but incredible opportunity.
  -The Current, paid. But digital. MUST LEARN.
  (This is all I want to do with my Summer.)
• Try to keep up these things with him, but remember that my goals are more important.
• Gym. I know that running sucks, and pushing seventy pounds every other day SUCKS. But it's so good for my mood. I just want to keep it up.
• A decent job at college. Another thing to keep me busy.
• Live in Hathorn, the hub dorms of campus. Try to get a desk job in it. 
• Find an awesome roommate. 
• Find the next school, pref in Boston, Seattle, Brooklyn. Somewhere with budding music, impossible to miss personality, and friendly people. All I ask.

I love this idea. I would cut my hair and give all my things away to do this.
When you have everything, you have everything to lose. 
So it only makes sense to have nothing.
But I have dreams, and no one can take those from me.

darling

my heart has grown so accostomed to defeat
in result, it is constantly making
itself locks. vaults. chambers. layers.
when i tell you i give you my all,
i give you all of what i can.
of what's left.
maybe somehow, the layers could
fall apart and the locks go unchained.
until then
you do not posess me.
i am not yours to have.
a wild heart on a winding road.
i haven't started down the path,
but nothing is really stopping me.
you can either hold my unsteady shaking hand,
and walk down this mysterious road with me.
or kiss me goodbye and watch me fly.