a year ago, i had it

while everyone else today is probably smoking their brains out,

i'm thinkingthinkingthinking like it's my fucking holiday.

so many new feelings the past few days. mostly on where i was

last year.

best of best friends.

broken heart.

i looked to my best friend to fix my broken heart, and now

he's not in my life. not even a little.

i chose him because he was always there, always closed up,

he wasn't there emotionally and that was good, because

i was a mess. he took me away from the mess.

i always remember the days at the beaches,

the car washes in front of his house,

which held the secrets, the strict parents, the baby pictures

i laughed at for hours and the cat i loved so much.

and then i went to this bonfire.

and i saw brian.

and i was strong.

then he found me again, drew me back in.

and i realized it's possible to love more than one person.

i loved a person who always loved me, and i loved a person

who had an unquestionable hold on my heart.

and i ended up breaking the wrong heart.

and wound up hurt all over again.

had i known. i would have been safe.

he was there, the next day. and where was brian.

gone.

aaron figured it out. and now he's gone.

sometimes i want to just reel him back into my life,

but that makes me no better than brian. right?

i miss him so much, his stupid pranks on my locker,

his red jeep, which i miss so much being in,

with my hair all messed up from lake water,

he never held my hand,

he didn't need to. he made me feel strong, and didn't 

have to break my heart to do it.

i wish he had enough emotion to understand how much i miss him.